Childless Mother

There are two national causes that is recognized during the month of October that are near and dear to my heart. The first is Breast Cancer Awareness and the second is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss. Of course, Breast Cancer Awareness month is important to me especially since my mother is a breast cancer survivor. But many do not know that National Pregnancy and Infant Loss is equally important. 

 

In December 2007, I conceived a child. I was happy, nervous and scared all at the same time. This would be my parents first grandchild. I knew this child would be special and greatly loved. And another thing I knew, he or she would be very spoiled. For as long as I could remember I always saw myself being a mother and here it was the chance to make that dream come true. Now I have to say that the fear came in from three things: how my parents would react, what would be the perception of me being an unwed mother and how was this experience gonna feel. I knew within the first week that I was pregnant. When you are a person that is in tune with your body, it is easy to recognize changes. I remember telling one of my good friends at her Christmas party that I thought I was pregnant. Naturally, she had her doubts and I shared with her my symptoms. 

 

Sure enough, after I was on Christmas break and had traveled to Alabama for the holidays I confirmed what I already knew. I told two people my cousin and my brother. Of course, my cousin was excited. My brother found it to be humorous. I did not know how I was going to tell my parents. I was really scared that I would have to feel their wrath. A couple of days after Christmas, my mother was in the living room taking down decorations. My brother went in and told her for me. During this time, I was peeking around the corner to see what her reaction would be. I immediately started crying. My mother questioned my tears. She assured me that I was going to be fine. I had a career and my own home. She me that I was grown and could handle this. That made me feel a lot better, but what my dad would say was my greatest fear. The holidays continued. I tried to figure out how I would tell him. One day I was sitting in my mother’s office and my dad walked in. I just blurted it out. My dad’s response was “big deal.” I had a look of astonishment. I quickly felt the weight lift from my shoulders. Things were going to be OK. 

 

Well, the next hurdle was talking to the father. He and I had been seeing each other for quite some time and I really expected him to be excited. It broke my heart when he suggested that I have an abortion. I reminded him of my philosophy that abortion is not birth control. I informed him that if he did not desire to be in our child’s life then that was fine as well. If I had my father and my two brothers, my child would always have a father figure not to mention the love and support of my extended family. Also, I knew that with or without his help my child would not want for anything. As time went on, I chose to not communicate with him due to the negative energy that I was receiving from him. I went on my way growing and glowing. That Christmas, my parents had received an all-expense paid cruise to Mexico. I had agreed to come home that weekend just in case I was needed at the family business. But first before leaving Atlanta for the weekend, I had a nice dinner with my coworkers. Pictures from that night are the only ones that I have of me during my pregnancy. 

 

I got to Talladega and of course as part of pregnancy you must go to the bathroom. When I went, I noticed a spot of blood.  Of course, I freaked out and called the afterhours number for my obstetrician. The nurse told me to stay off my feet for the weekend and if I needed any assistance to go to my local emergency room or call once I returned to Atlanta. I followed the directions of the nurse and stayed off my feet. I went through the weekend with no more bleeding and at this point there had been no pain. My parents returned from their cruise on that Sunday. My dad brought me two gifts: a beautiful statue of a mother kissing her baby on the forehead and a wool Mexican rap that he said that me and baby were going to need when we worked bus duty. I was very touched. Now it was not the cutest thing,  but it meant a lot. 

I made my way back to Atlanta and settled in for the night. Early the following morning I awoke and began getting ready for work as usual. After reaching the bathroom, there was a spot of blood. I called my mom and told her that I was heading to the emergency room. Now this was approximately 5:00 in the morning in Alabama so I already knew she was sound asleep in bed. Once I arrived at the emergency room, they ran tests. They finally came in to inform me that my labs looked normal. By this time my doctor’s office had opened and they sent me to see my doctor. I went across the parking lot to her office, and they had me to have an ultrasound performed. I looked on the screen I see my growing baby I did not see anything that looked unusual. The ultrasound tech was typing in notes as normally would. The nurse then took me to my exam room. I am sitting there nervously waiting and then the door opens. It was my mother. Shortly after she walked in, the doctor entered the room. The next few words broke my heart. She informed me that there was no longer a heartbeat. My baby had passed in the last few days being that it was the proper gestational size. Nothing prepares you for that level of pain. My mom called my dad to let him know the news and I heard him cry on the phone. The doctor continued to tell me that I would be required to have a DNC to terminate the pregnancy because it appeared that my body was not going to abort the pregnancy on its own. Now with all the current battles going on surrounding abortion, this would have been a difficult situation for me because I was indeed having an abortion. The doctor prescribed me a sedative to help keep me calm and sent me to the hospital complete the pre-op procedures. I text of my coworkers to let them know what was going on. As soon as school was over they all came bearing gifts of ice cream and a lot of the junk that I liked to eat that they knew would bring me a little comfort. 

 

The following morning, I checked into the hospital for the procedure. I was so distraught. I was not going to hear that little heartbeat again. I would not feel the little flutters and kicks that were due to come soon. equally distressing. Once they got me prepped to take me to the operating room, they went ahead and gave me a sedative intravenously to calm me down. Next thing I remembered was being awakened to realize I was in a horrible amount of pain and my mom was right there to care for me because I could not care for myself. Moms are very special, and I am grateful for mine. In hindsight I was able to find a small bit of humor. I had a repeat of the procedure in the next week because I had developed an infection. I was fully awake up until the point they put me on the table and strapped down. Once this was completed, it was then that I noticed that there were glass doors to the operating room, and you had a constant stream of doctors, nurses and sometimes conscious patients going by headed to other operating room. The humor behind it is it was at that moment that I realized they had placed my feet in these harnesses and my entire rear end was fully exposed to the door. Needless to say, I was embarrassed. 

 

One of the best decisions I had made was obviously to break up with my ex. Although I wanted my baby, the Lord fixed it so that I no longer had to have a connection with such a trifling person. As time has shown, motherhood thus far has not been in God’s plan for me. Folks always say that I have my nephew and niece, but they are not my children. I had the privilege of being in the delivery room when my niece was born as well as when my cousin gave birth to her second daughter. I felt honored to be a part of these special moments and traumatized at the same time. I have a special bond with my nephew and niece. Additionally, two of my cousins both have two girls that call me auntie. I have had other “babies” throughout the years. Even though I have had these experiences, these children still are not mine. They are not my heart beating outside of my body. Yes, my angel baby welcomed his/her granddaddy to heaven when he arrived, and I am sure they are enjoying time together. 

 

I have been told “oh it is not too late” or “you can adopt”. Yes, this is all true, but everything is not in alignment for things to happen. Nobody’s son wants to be in my life on that level, finances are not in place to go through working with a specialist and adoption is still up in the air. I have a few folks that still wish me a Happy Mother’s Day even though I do not have a child, and it hurts like hell. Be careful because there are a lot of childless mothers out there grieving their little angels. We are a special club that we really wish we were not a part of. Hugs and kisses to you all and I honor my sisters.